Daley Ponderings

I didn't really feel like writing this, but then I thought it weird not to post it.  So I'll mostly just copy the emails I wrote to our parents.

This is happening at five weeks of pregnancy, pretty much just two days after being sure I was pregnant (though we did not take a test.)  We told our parents (on Mother's Day) and my sister, and then I had to email them Tuesday with the sad news.

From Tuesday morning's email: 

As far as I can tell (with very minimal research) a miscarriage at five weeks is very similar to a period (the placenta has only just begun to form and the baby was only a few millimeters long.)

Emotionally, I'm not sure where to be.  What if I was wrong and I wasn't pregnant after all?  But even if I was right and my little one has just died, I didn't have much time yet to know this little guy and so it is not nearly as hard as losing Isaac whom I had known for nine months and seen with my eyes and held with my arms.

But I am sad and disappointed, and especially for Jonathan.

Even though we did not have a test, this feels physically different enough that I do believe I was pregnant.  Here's my update from this morning:

Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers.

Jonathan is doing well.  Now I'd like you to pray for Noah, who was sad yesterday after dinner.  Last night and this morning he asked to pretend that he was a baby who had just come out of my tummy - and he cuddled and pretended he couldn't talk or walk.

I feel sad, but sustained, and very thankful for my three living ones (what a miracle all the stages they have survived and thrived through!)

Physically, it is definitely harder than a regular period - last night, sleep was interrupted a lot, but I am feeling ok this morning.

If you will continue to pray for me in the next couple of days, I would appreciate it.  It's still very close at hand for me as my body finishes the process.

Emotionally, I am doing better this evening.  Yesterday was grey and rainy and my emotions mirrored it, sad and kind of heavy, but not depressed. After I wrote the first email, I decided to go ahead and let myself grieve for the loss of a baby (instead of wondering if there was not one after all) and that was helpful.  I think the length of time you know someone really does make a difference in your grieving when he's gone.  It is hard and I am sad, but I am not devastated and broken as I was with Isaac.  Hey, and maybe Isaac and his little sibling know each other already! (I just thought of that.)

Naps both days have helped as well; I am definitely on the tired side.

Jon brought home roses for me this afternoon and that was very nice!

I have felt God's sustaining the whole time and I am already doing much better.